Last week, as I began to rise from my chair at the end of a class, I was flooded with a sudden and startling head-rush, that feeling that occurs when you get up to quickly and feel like you're going to faint. The sensation was so swift and intense that I had to grasp the table in front of me to keep from toppling over. Instead of going black my vision simply disappeared in a fuzzy wave of non-existence. I felt as if my body no longer had any mass and I was aware only of the desire not to lose total consciousness. Thankfully, my clutch on the table in front of me kept me anchored as I weathered this storm.
The sensation quickly faded, but as I picked up my backpack and headed out the door, I felt oddly detached from everything around me. It seemed like I was drifting over the uneven sidewalk, instead of striding as usual in my lanky, sometimes awkward gait. I paid no attention to the people I passed. I wasn't ignoring them, but their presence simply didn't matter to me in my listless, drifting state of mind. Normally I observe the world and the people that pass by around me, but for a few eternal minutes I felt like I wasn't part of the world that I was passing through. All of my worries, joys, and cares no longer mattered. I just existed, and that's all there was to it.
When I made it back to my building this feeling started to fade just as the head-rush did. When it was gone entirely I felt a strange sense of loss. It had showed me an entirely different perspective of life, and though I had felt emotionless and detached, it had been oddly comforting. To be without feeling is to be without pain, and that is what I achieved for those few minutes as I drifted through the world.
Some would say that was a meditative state of detachment from a world we believe in as reality. Others who believe nothing unless proven by empirical data would say it was a rush of pressurized blood to the brain caused by possibly closed off blood vessels in your legs from sitting too long. I would say, enjoy your rushes and believe in only what works for you since those rushes are internally yours.
ReplyDeleteMan, I didn't even notice. You could have diiiied.
ReplyDeleteAlso, welcome to my world. Great, isn't it? Just walking along and not really thinking about the world around you. Nothing matters but the thoughts in your head. Existence is, like, fleeting, man.
Detachment such as that is really strange when you're in the moment, but that sense of loss when it is all over is even stranger. I've been there many, many times before. It almost feels cathartic, like it was necessary to recollect myself. I would love to hear more about this someday, it's a brilliant start to something that could be so much deeper.
ReplyDeleteif you were about 70 years older I would say you need to go to the hospital cause it sounds like you are having an out of body experience. Its interesting that you found it comforting. I think you could fuel the fire you have with that statement. Have you ever tried to recreate this feeling?
ReplyDeleteDo you ever get that feeling that we're just drifting through life? Ever since I started college, I feel like everything is a means to an end and we're too busy working for something down the road we can't just plant our feet in the present and enjoy life. Everything is for something, nothing is for ourselves.
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